


i saw you in four seasons (and loved you in each)

by kjshyes



Category: IZONE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death is mentioned a lot, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Reincarnation, like really intense angst, someone give yuri a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27645112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjshyes/pseuds/kjshyes
Summary: yuri and yena fall in love in four seasons and four lifetimes, but their ending is always the same.alternatively; the yulyen reincarnation au only i asked for
Relationships: Choi Yena/Jo Yuri
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	i saw you in four seasons (and loved you in each)

**Author's Note:**

> so my gf sent me this prompt almost six months ago and i only just got around to finishing it because procrastination. 
> 
> full prompt: so basically there's four lifetimes (reincarnation!) and ur two mcs fall in love in every lifetime, but during different seasons each time. their experiences can be different, but the ending for each lifetime is the same. mc1 always dies for mc2. however, mc1 always remembers their past lifetimes, but mc2 forgets
> 
> please be waned; there's some HEAVY angst ahead and descriptions of death
> 
> this took me way too long so i hope yall enjoy!

01 _i see you in the spring._

collecting stares during class is nothing new to yuri.

she’ll be sitting in class, taking notes, when she starts to feel eyes sweeping her back and hear lovestruck sighs from behind. if she’s unlucky, she’ll be approached after class by one of the many jocks in school: broad shoulders, messy hair, cocky smile – she can never remember any of their names, either. they’ll chat her up and ask her to dinner, which yuri always declines, of course.

yuri finds herself sitting in class a lot, organising papers for the next period and making it a point to ignore the eyes on her back. why they keep coming, she doesn’t know; the bitter sting of rejection doesn’t seem to be enough for infatuated high school boys to keep their eyes off her.

yuri’s almost sure she’s rejected every boy in school by this point, and she’s not going to stop anytime soon. it’s just what she gets for being popular, but it’s fine; secret admirers are fine; they’re the least of her worries when she’s trying not to fail calculus.

admiration is nothing if it won’t get you a job. love is for those just waiting to get their hearts broken.

“hey, pretty girl, someone’s staring at you. seven o’ clock.”

yuri sighs, resting her chin on her desk, already exhausted. someone draws up the chair next to her and sits down, yuri paying them no heed.

“i know, tomi,” she mumbles, shutting her eyes. “if i pretend i don’t see them, they don’t exist.”

hitomi scoffs.

“well don’t look now, but your seven o’clock is choi yena,” she says. yuri’s eyes snap open, and almost instantaneously she whips her head around to see that choi yena is, indeed, looking in her direction, grinning earnestly and eyes crinkling when she sees yuri.

“i said don’t look!” hitomi snaps.

“yeah, well i panicked, alright?”

hitomi shakes her head disapprovingly, arranging pencils on the corner of her table like she has nothing better to do but play with stationery and make fun of yuri. there’s the faintest bit of a sneer painted on her lips, but for their friendship’s sake hitomi refrains from saying anything else.

“she’s still looking?” yuri whispers, pointedly avoiding yena’s direction.

“yeah, and she’s doing a pretty shit job of hiding it,” hitomi snaps. “really, yuri, out of all the people in this goddamn school…”

“shut up,” yuri groans, clapping her hands over her ears.

“i am absolutely not going to shut up! how many times has she asked you out?”

“...twenty-six, since the start of last year...”

“exactly. and how many times have you said no?”

“i—”

“don’t answer that, it’s a trick question. the correct answer is zero, because every time she asks you out you laugh it off awkwardly and it stays ambiguous. she’s the _only_ person in this whole school i’ve seen you act nervous around, and we both know why.”

“i’d feel bad saying no to her!” yuri protests. hitomi has the nerve to laugh.

“you’ve rejected, like, at _least_ seventy five percent of the people in our year without hesitation, but _she’s_ the one you feel bad for?”

“she... she’s different,” yuri says. she stumbles over her words like she’s five again and her voice comes out far more unconvinced than she’d intended. hitomi shoots her a knowing look, and yuri can only lower her head sulkily, picking at the skin under her nails in silence.

hitomi sighs at the sight; it’s a bad habit yuri’s had for years, but she never seems to stop doing it to matter how hard anyone nags.

“fine, then, live in denial over your unrequited gay feelings for some dance club chick. heads up to the left, by the way.”

yuri doesn’t have time to react before she hears the sound of a chair scraping across the ground, turning left and facing yena’s goofy grin.

“hi,” she says, and yuri’s head goes blank. she instinctively turns back to hitomi, mouth open and eyes wordlessly saying _help me PLEASE._

hitomi feigns ignorance, that little shit.

“are you okay?” yena asks, and yuri turns back to face her nervously. her legs are trembling under the table, but she puts on her best “i’m-doing-fine-how-about-you” face. 

“nothing’s up with me! i just… have a lot on my mind…” yuri says. it’s not a complete lie, but her voice trembles and leaves yena looking unconvinced.

an awkward silence hangs between them – yuri fidgets with her skin, as yena smiles awkwardly, eyes darting about. yuri can hear hitomi trying not to slam her head through her table.

“uh, hey, you shouldn’t do that,” yena finally says, staring pointedly at yuri’s hands.

“w— do what?”

“pick at your skin. it’s bad for you,” yena says brightly, reaching out to clasp yuri’s hand in hers. yena’s hand is warm, clammy, and far more tense than yuri would have imagined. yuri looks up at the other girl’s face – her face is bright and earnest, grinning so wide it looks like it might hurt, but there’s something endearing in yena’s gummy smile that draws a tiny grin from yuri.

her heart speeds up, and she hopes yena doesn’t notice the colour in her cheeks.

in fact, yena doesn’t seem to notice, eyes wandering onto the stream of tired sophomores filing into class with the energy of a group of zombies. her eyes narrow determinedly and she takes a deep breath, turning to face yuri.

“hey listen, we—”

she doesn’t get to finish, because at that moment their history teacher walks in. yuri and yena both yank their hands away from each other rather comically, as if they’d been burned. the teacher is a short, stout, old fellow whose beady eyes never seem to rest, with a pointed distaste for anything non-related to a bunch of dead guys.

“we’re starting,” he grunts, slamming folders on the teacher’s table. “books out, or else.”

yuri turns to yena, but she’s already reaching into her bag for her notebook. a little pout finds its way onto yuri’s lips.

hitomi, from her right, prods her sharply with a pencil.

_gay ass_ , she mouths.

yuri throws a pen at her.

yuri spends history stealing glances at yena, who seems to be making it a point to ignore her existence, furrowing her brows and furiously copying notes the whole lesson. yuri finds it slightly amusing, really, that for once she isn’t on the receiving end of a glance, and that she’s being ignored just like she does to all those boys.

_call it karma,_ she thinks, even though she knows that isn’t how karma works.

someone asks a question, and the teacher goes on a tangent about something non-important, which yuri really couldn’t care less about. there’s something far more important to be concerned with.

“yena,” she whispers, tapping her, “what were you gonna say?”

yena turns her head, staring back at her, but she doesn’t answer immediately.

“it’s nothing important. j-just forget about it,” she finally replies, turning back to her notes. yuri pouts, shaking yena slightly harder.

“but i want to know,” yuri whines. yena doesn’t respond.

“ _jo yuri._ ”

each syllable is dragged with a bored sort of warning, and yuri whips back to the front of the class. the teacher’s beady little eyes are narrowed in on her, greasy hair falling over his eyes now thanks to the spring breeze coming in through the window. yuri smiles at him innocently, but he doesn’t budge.

“pay attention, or i’ll have you standing in the back for the next three weeks.”

“yes, _sir_ ,” she says, sickly sweet.

when he turns back to the board, yuri sulkily lowers her head, glaring daggers into his back.

beside her, yena smiles softly, reaching out to pat yuri’s shoulder.

“i’ll tell you after school, okay? now pay attention before you end up in trouble,” she whispers. yuri’s eyes widen excitedly and yena gives her one final shoulder pat before turning back to her notes.

the rest of history passes excruciatingly slowly, with hitomi shooting her the occasional shit-eating grin (which she always pretends not to notice).

by the time the bell rings, yuri thinks it can’t come sooner.

-

it’s chilly today.

spring has set in, taking over the reins from the cold hand of winter: the grass is starting to pop up in little tufts again; the chirping of birds has returned after months of absence; the trees have awoken from their slumber, leaves and flowers growing and blooming in brilliant bursts of colour.

_meet me under the cherry tree,_ yena had told her before she’d left. she had some things to do for other classes, so she’d insisted on meeting yuri there.

the tree in question was tucked away in a little corner behind the library, a little nook that only attracted the occasional couple looking for a quiet spot to do god-knows-what. its flowers were a soft baby pink, swaying gently in the march breeze; every now and again when the wind picked up, a shower of petals would drift towards the ground.

yuri looks up at the canopy, sunlight filtered through branches. it’s a beautiful day today.

there’s shuffling behind her, and she turns around.

yena’s standing there, bag hanging off one shoulder, carrying a stack of textbooks in the other. her jet-black hair is tied into a ponytail now, bangs falling just over her eyebrows and swaying as she moves.

“hi,” yena says, setting her things by the base of the tree. “you okay now? you looked a little pale back in history.”

yuri feels a smile creep onto her face. “i’m fine, yena. what did you want to say?”

yena straightens, taking a breath and puffing her cheeks with air. she looks at the ground, clasping her hands together, letting the air slowly deflate from her cheeks.

_you look adorable,_ yuri wants to say, but she doesn’t, and silence settles between them.

“the thing is,” yena finally says, after a few minutes of quiet, “i was gonna just… attempt, for the twenty-sixth time, to ask you out—”

“twenty-seventh, actually,” yuri corrects yena before she can stop herself, screaming internally at the mistake. she’s met with a look of surprise, but yena doesn’t seem to think it’s weird that yuri has kept count.

“right, so i was just… do attempt number twenty-seven… when i realised that i wanna tell you how… how i really feel, yuri.”

yena’s cheeks darken into red.

“you and i… i don’t really know how you feel about me, o-or if you’ve thought this whole time that this is a big joke… but the truth is, jo yuri… i really like you… i… i think i’m in love with you, even, a-and i get that you hear this, like every other day. you might not feel the same way, and you might want us to be just friends, and nothing more, but i really needed—”

for the second time that day, yena is cut off, this time by yuri’s lips crashing into hers, standing on the very tips of her toes to match her height. the kiss is slightly awkward, more desperate than anything, but yena’s lips are soft and smooth and they feel so _right_ ; she tastes like strawberries and something sweet that yuri can’t quite name.

when she pulls away, her cheeks are just as flushed as yena’s.

“i-i’m sorry, i should have asked first, s-s-sorry, i don’t know why i did that…” yuri gasps, avoiding yena’s stunned gaze as she backs away. her head is screaming at her; different parts of her brain screaming at her to stay and run and never show her face ever again.

_you’ve done fucked up now, jo yuri._

yuri bows her head, turning to leave, when a strong arm grabs hers and she’s pulled back toward yena. a breeze hits her back; the cherry blossoms start falling again. yuri can’t help but feel like she’s in a drama.

yena’s face is framed by falling cherry blossoms. she looks perfect, bangs swept to one side, face still slightly pink, but with gazing at her confidently now. she leans down, pressing her lips to yuri’s.

this kiss is much gentler, chock full of longing and love, and yuri finds herself leaning deeper into it, the noises around them softening into nothing.

if yuri’s heartbeat was fast before, it’s moving at lightspeed now.

she finds yena’s eyes, bright like stars, adrenaline and awe and wonder and all.

yena clutches yuri’s hands tighter.

they head home together, still hand-in-hand.

-

(“you’re like the spring,” yena declares.)

(“why?”)

(because before you came along, i was dead like winter, but spring came in a burst of colours and gave me life and meaning. you’re my spring, yuri.”)

(from her spot in yena’s lap, yuri blushes.)

(“i love you, my spring.”)

-

when yuri gets to school the next day, she’s greeted with hitomi and her annoying ‘i-knew-you-were-whipped-for-choi-yena’ grin.

“don’t even speak,” yuri groans, walking past her to open up her locker.

“i wasn’t going to say anything! your blush speaks for itself!”

“oh, shut up.”

“so, who confessed? you or her?”

“i’m gonna tune you out now.”

“i bet it was her, because your pathetic ass can’t speak up for shit.”

“can’t hear you.”

“did you guys kiss?”

yuri can’t help the colour that seeps into her cheeks.

“oh my god, you guys totally ki—!” hitomi half-yells, drawing curious looks from other students.

“will you shut up!” yuri hisses, clapping a hand over hitomi’s mouth, though a shy smile manages to creep onto her features.

“sorry,” hitomi says, grinning proudly, “but my best friend finally got herself a girlfriend! i’m getting all the proud mom feels right now. did she like… did she offer to take you out?”

yuri clicks her locker shut, blatantly blushing now. “yeah, we’re going out tonight.”

hitomi’s practically bouncing along now, eyeing yuri with a strange sort of pride. “i need the details, okay? as soon as you get home, you _need_ to text me everything.”

yuri rolls her eyes playfully. “will do, ma’am.”

-

yena arrives at her door to pick her up later that day, and yuri nearly melts at the sight. yena’s bundled in her yellow hoodie, bangs swept to the side with that endearing gummy smile on her lips again.

“i, uh, wanted to get you flowers, but all the shops were closed,” she says apologetically, “so instead, i’m just gonna give you the best night of your life.”

“now my expectations are high,” yuri chuckles, reaching out to grab yena’s hand. they’re soft and smooth today, a stark contrast to the clammy nervousness of yesterday.

“c’mon, i’ve planned it all out!” she says, sounding like a kid going to an amusement park.

yena leads her toward their destination, the evening breeze hitting their faces just right. she stops in front of a small building and gestures for yuri to talk in. there’s a neon sign on the front, battered with age but just barely blinking on, living to see another day.

“a roller rink?” yuri asks, reading the sign, “yena, i can’t skate!”

“i’ll help you, it’ll be fun!” yena insists, dragging her inside.

“but—”

“c’mon!” yena grins, eyes crinkled into crescents, and yuri sighs defeatedly. yena’s already grabbed their skates from the counter, and she lets yena drag her over to the lockers.

“if i fall…” she mumbles jokingly, pulling on her skates. yena stands, taking yuri’s hands in hers.

“hold onto my hands, alright? i’ll catch you if you fall, promise.”

yuri feels her cheeks burning up and she hears yena giggle. “hey, i’m good at balancing, i swear,” she says again, helping yuri up.

“really? i couldn’t tell, you used to trip over yourself whenever you saw me in the hallway,” yuri says.

“you saw that?” yena gasps. she stumbles backwards, almost falling, but yuri catches her and steadies her.

“careful, if you keep falling, i might need to be the one catching you.”

it’s yena’s turn to blush now, and yuri feels a surge of confidence within her.

“w-well,” she stammers adorably, gripping yuri’s hands tighter, “w-we should probably get going, y’know…”

yena leads yuri into the rink, steadying her whenever it looks like she might fall. “just relax,” she whispers once they’re inside.

they move slowly at first, with yena holding her hands out to catch yuri whenever she looked like she might fall, but after a while yuri speeds up a little and is confident enough to move around without yena’s help. yena laughs at the sight of yuri skating around the rink with childlike excitement on her face, speeding up to catch up with her.

“told you it’d be fun,” yena says, watching yuri giggle as she did a little twirl.

“i concede,” yuri laughs, “this is actually pretty fun.” even though she doesn’t really need it anymore, yuri still takes yena’s hand when her girlfriend offers it to her, and the two of them spin around the rink, giggling like they’re the only two people in the world.

a few hours pass of them racing each other around, and then yena begins to slow down, telling yuri to do the same.

“what, you tired?” yuri teases, slowing down anyway.

“you wish! i’m just trying to have a romantic moment with the love of my life!”

“ _moi_? i’m flattered, choi yena,” yuri says, skating closer to yena, who pulls herself in front of yuri, skating backwards.

“showing off?”

“romantic moment, remember?”

she takes both of yuri’s hands in hers, putting their foreheads together, close enough that their breathing on each other. yuri’s heart is racing; her surroundings are beginning to blur; all she can feel in that moment is yena’s hands on hers and yena’s breath on her skin.

“i love you, jo yuri,” yena whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind yuri’s ear.

it’s perfect like this.

“i love you too, choi yena,” yuri smiles.

they lean into a kiss. yuri can feel yena’s smile against hers, her lips just as soft as the last time. yena pulls her closer, and yuri reaches for her waist, deepening the kiss even more. when they pull away, gasping for breath, there’s a stupid, lovestruck grin on both their faces.

the staff come over and announce that they’re about to close, and they decide it’s time to go home.

when they leave the building, the air is heavy with humidity; yuri thinks it might rain at any moment. the skies are inky and the skyscrapers in the distance have gone dark. yena walks her home, looking up into the skies every then and again.

“what’s up?” yuri asks, grimacing at the unintentional pun, but if yena notices she doesn’t say anything, opting to point up.

yuri follows her gaze, surprised to see the stars are twinkling in the sky. seoul isn’t famous for its starscape (twinkling lights in the sky were more probable to be planes than anything), so yuri feels herself entranced by the sight, her breath stolen by the view. they’re little more than tiny lights in the black night sky, barely there as they twinkle on and off above them, but as they hang in the sky around the glow of the crescent moon, yuri feels herself unable to look away. raindrops begin to drizzle over her, but she pays them no heed.

“the moon is beautiful,” yena breathes, voice barely above a whisper. “it’s one of the few things that can drown out the beauty of the stars, yul. just like you.”

yuri feels the breath get caught in her throat. she looks over at yena, who’s still entranced by the night sky, her eyes full and round and bright with excitement.

they’ve got their whole lives ahead of them with each other, but the rest of their lives isn’t worth giving up this moment.

“yuri, you see those stars? see the moon? i’ll love you until the moon goes dark and the stars go out.”

there’s no cheeky quip, no tongue-in-cheek response; yuri can’t find the words to respond. yena had never really struck her as much of a romantic: she always went about her day with a goofy, lopsided grin plastered on her face that never failed to make yuri smile, even just a little.

_then maybe it’s the way she’s smiling now_ , yuri thinks, giving yena’s hand a gentle squeeze. yena looks at her like she was her whole world, her moon and stars, all silliness dissipated in the wind as she holds yuri’s hands in hers.

“romanticism suits you,” yuri muses, clasping yena’s hand tighter.

they arrive at the junction between yena’s house and yuri’s, and by now the rain has picked up and they’re jogging, trying not to get too wet. “you should get home,” yuri half-shouts over the thrum of rain, “don’t get sick for my sake.” yena pouts, but she agrees anyway.

pulling her hood over her head, yena waves goodbye to yuri, stepping onto the road and breaking into a run. yuri holds up a hand to wave, realising with a laugh that yena can’t even see her with her back turned like that.

the road is suddenly illuminated from around the bed, and her laugh stops.

she can barely hear the low hum of an engine over the rain, unmistakably mechanical and barrelling towards yena faster than she can react. yena’s halfway across the road at this point, head bowed as she runs. she doesn’t see the light or hear the engine getting closer by the second.

she’s not going to make it in time, and yuri panics.

“yena!” she screams, leaping onto the road. yena turns to face her, confusion written all over her features as yuri comes closer. mustering up all her strength, she shoves yena forward, pushing her out of harm’s way.

yuri feels the car hit her side before she can get out of the way.

it’s an immediate, jolting feeling, of 1.4 tons of metal slamming into her side, shifting her ribcage unnaturally in her body. she’s sent flying, bones crunching sickeningly when she lands. her hair is wet with rain; it pelts her face and eyes and the ground around her. there’s something warm and sticky running down her face, and yuri can’t tell if she’s lying in water or her own blood.

her vision is starting to go black, but she can just make out yena rushing to her side, eyes wide and screaming something unintelligible.

_“…crazy? are… call…yuri, stay…”_

yuri feels like she’s underwater; yena’s words are floating in circles around her head, just out of reach. she can barely make anything out over the pounding of her heart in her ears. the black spots in yuri’s vision are growing, and yena’s face grows frantic.

“ _yuri, yuri yuri yuri, you’re gonna be alright, okay? hang in there…_ ”

it’s hazy. yena is a world away.

“y-y-y-yen… i…”

“ _yuri, can you hear me? keep breathing, okay, the ambulance is on its way._ ”

she’s slipping away. she can feel it.

“yuri, _please_ ,” she chokes, and this time yuri hears her clear as day. she tries to respond, but the words gurgle in her throat and fade away into air.  
  


“please stay with me… i-i can’t—you can’t leave me…”

yuri reaches out, weakly grasping the sleeve of yena’s hoodie, trying desperately to say something, _anything_ , but all that comes out of her throat is the metallic tang of blood.

her hand falls from yena’s sleeve, and the world goes black.

* * *

02 _i see you in the summer._

yuri jolts awake.

sunlight filters in through the window, casting her face in a warm glow. she stares at the ceiling blankly, looking without seeing.

something’s wrong. there are tear tracks running down her face.

she redirects her gaze to the clock on her nightstand. it’s 10.47 am.

_c’mon, yuri. get up._

yuri sighs as she rolls out of bed. she pauses, sitting on the edge of her mattress to wipe the remaining tears off her face. there’s a dull ache in her chest that wasn’t there before, but yuri dismisses it, and she gets ready for the day.

when she gets downstairs her father is still at home, sitting at the dining table with his feet propped on the table. he’s sipping a coffee as he flips through the news. “morning,” he says, not looking up from the morning paper.

“thought you’d have left for work by now,” she replies, heading into the kitchen. from the corner of her eye she can see her father shrugging.

“could say the same for you.”

“it’s my day off,” yuri says, stuffing bread into her mouth, “i think i’ll go to the library or something.”

“have fun, then,” he folds the paper, placing it on the table and grabbing his phone, “i think i might be home late again, so you need to take care of you own dinner, okay?”

yuri nods, swallowing her bread. “what is it this time?” she asks, filling her tumbler with coffee.

“well, you know how it is, yuri. business isn’t easy, i’m working overtime trying to… secure some deals. don’t worry about it.”

yuri nods, but she knows he’s lying. she isn’t stupid, after all. she _knows_ someone like her father, who hadn’t finished school, couldn’t possibly secure a job at his age, let alone one that would pay for a house as big as theirs. she’s seen the news – reports of gang violence lining up perfectly with the days he gets home late.

but yuri also knew that the knowing the truth could be very dangerous, so she keeps it to herself and pretends to be none the wiser when her father comes home at the crack of dawn.

“see you, then,” yuri sighs, putting on her shoes. her father waves at her from the dining room as she slings her laptop bag over her shoulder and heads out the door, coffee tumbler in one hand and phone clutched in the other.

it’s sunny today; the sky is a piercing shade of baby blue, and the sun blazes blinding white in the distance. summer has arrived in full swing – it’s finally warm enough that yuri doesn’t need to wear a hoodie everywhere she goes, but seoul is always somewhat cool, even now, and the july wind is refreshingly cool against her skin.

she stops at a small road, where it’s not quite busy enough for the city to have installed a traffic light, and begins to cross it. the music in her earphones is blaringly loud as she hums along to girls’ generation.

she doesn’t hear the roar of a motorcycle drawing closer. 

the biker, fortunately, seems to notice, sounding their horn at yuri as they desperately try to brake, and somehow yuri hears it this time, because she turns to face the bike and freezes, eyes widening.

she sees flashing lights and the pouring rain.

her head goes blank, eyes shutting and legs giving way under her as she collapses into a ball right then and there.

yuri waits for an impact that doesn’t come.

opening her eyes gingerly, she cranes her neck upwards to find that the bike has stopped inches away from her, its rider breathing heavily as they turn off the engines. they pull off their helmet, summer sun backlighting their face so that yuri can’t make out their features, but she can make out long, bright hair cascading over the rider’s shoulders as they shake their head.

a cloud helpfully moves to obscure the sun, and now yuri can see the rider clearly. it’s a girl, and the first thing yuri thinks is that she’s absolutely _gorgeous._ her hair is dyed somewhere between pink and purple, features elegant and skin smooth under the sunlight. she’s dressed in a leather jacket and long, ankle-length pants even though it’s the middle of summer, and as she gets off the motorcycle and crouches down to yuri’s level, yuri can make out the brown in her eyes.

“sorry about that!” she says hastily, “are you okay?”

“y-y-yeah, i’m fine,” yuri says, voice wavering as she takes the stranger’s hand and lets herself be helped up. “i think i just panicked, sorry… i should have moved, i don’t know what came over me.”

“it’s fine!” the biker tells her, her smile reaching her eyes. “i wouldn’t know what to do either if i saw a motorbike coming full speed towards me.”

yuri dusts herself off, picking up her phone, which had fallen out of her pocket. “i-i’ll just get going, then. thanks,” she says, bowing at her.

“hey, wait!” the girl calls, and yuri stops. “can i at least buy you a coffee or something? as an apology?” the smile on her face is genuine and hopeful, and yuri can’t help but feel it’s familiar.

_i mean, it’s a pretty girl buying me coffee. what could go wrong?_ yuri thinks, and with that in mind she accepts the biker’s offer.

“sweet! i’m yena, by the way,” the girl – yena – says.

“i’m yuri.”

-

yena wheels her bike over to the pavement, parking it against a tree, and walks yuri down the street to a little café at the edge of the block. “you want anything in particular?” yena asks, pulling her wallet out of her jacket.

“nah, i’ll just have whatever’s good,” yuri replies, going to take a seat in the back corner of the café. she pulls out her phone and tries to focus on the screen, but somehow, she finds her eyes continuously wandering over to the purple-haired girl in the leather jacket.

there’s a strange familiarity surrounding the girl that yuri’s sure she’s met, or at least seen her before, but no matter how much she racks her brain for any memory of her, she can’t recall anything.

yuri only realises she’s staring when yena sits across from her, waving a hand in front of her face as she sets the drinks down.

“you okay? i didn’t hit you, did i?” she asks worriedly, to which yuri nods.

“y-yeah i just… do i know you? like, i feel like i’ve seen you before.”

yena’s shoulders tense a little at the statement, but yuri’s too lost in her thoughts to notice. “n-no, i don’t think we’ve met before… what makes you think that?” there’s a slight, nervous edge to yena’s voice that yuri brushes off as shyness.

“nothing… i guess you just have a familiar face… thanks for the drinks, by the way.”

there’s silence for a bit, which yuri had been prepared for. they were, after all, strangers, having just met minutes before. yuri may not have been the most sociable person in the world but she was certain other girls didn’t just go out on coffee dates with people who’d come close to killing them.

“so,” yena clears her throat, “tell me about yourself. let’s get to know each other.”

“what?” yuri says, confused. yena only looks at her expectantly, which pushes yuri to begin talking.

“well, okay, my name is jo yuri. i graduated university last year and i work for an accounting firm now.”

“nice to meet you, then, yuri. i’m yena, and i have the great pleasure of being currently unemployed. motorbike riding might be cool, but it isn’t that useful in getting a good job, apparently.”

“at least you’re having fun! accounting is literally the most boring thing you can do.”

“well then, why are you doing it if it’s boring?”

yuri shrugs. “i need the cash, and i guess i don’t really know what i’d do otherwise.”

“you got any hobbies, or anything?”

“studying, mostly,” yuri says sheepishly. yena laughs, her eyes crinkling into little crescents, and yuri can’t help but think yena has an attractive laugh.

“no, really!” yuri chuckles, sipping her drink. “for like, the majority of my childhood, my only dream was to get a boring desk job in the big buildings downtown! i didn’t know what else to do with myself!”

“yeah, that’s what school will do to ya,” yena grins. “it’ll strip you of your individuality and creativity until you’re nothing but another office worker slogging away in front of a computer.”

“well clearly, it didn’t happen to you.”

“i didn’t let it!” yena says, grinning. “no matter how much they tried to get me to love math, i just couldn’t. i went my whole education only needing to know one set of numbers.”

“and that is?” yuri asks, taking another mouthful of tea. yena shoots her a cheeky look, holding out her phone.

“yours.”

yuri chokes, very nearly spitting out her drink and going quite red in the face. it’s suddenly a lot hotter in the shop than it was seconds ago, and she looks up at yena’s beaming face, spluttering.

“holy—okay, real smooth, pretty girl,” she sighs, taking yena’s phone.

“i pride myself on it,” yena grins. yuri feels her heart speed up; yena’s stupidly pretty, and seeing that cocky grin on her face is making her think things she probably shouldn’t be.

_snap out of it,_ she tells herself.

she ends up not listening.

-

“i had a great time today, yuri,” yena smiles, wheeling her bike back onto the road, “even though i almost ran you over.”

yuri smiles shyly, fingers running over the rough, cracked glass of her phone screen where yena had just typed in her number. “we’ll keep talking?” she asks, sounding a little more desperate than she’d intended.

yena doesn’t seem to notice, pulling on her helmet nonchalantly. “of course. i wouldn’t want to stop talking to someone as cute as you, after all.”

yuri’s face goes red and yena laughs yet again, ruffling the shorter girl’s hair. “seeya around, yuri,” she calls, revving the engines and speeding off.

the shadows are long as yuri walks home.

-

**_yena:_ ** _hey ;)_

**_me:_ ** _hi! it was fun talking to you yesterday_

**_yena:_ ** _good to know_

**_yena:_ ** _if you’re up for a little more fun… you can call me right now_

**_me:_ ** _…_

**_me:_ ** _moving quickly, aren’t you_

**_yena:_ ** _idk, you tell me ;)_

yuri’s finger hovers over the ‘call’ button, unsure.

_ah, fuck it,_ she decides, hitting it.

“ _hey,_ ” comes the voice on the other end, slightly raspier than yuri remembers.

“ _thanks, you too,_ ” yena laughs, seeming not at all weirded out by yuri’s total lack of conversation starters.

“were you just working out? you sound a little tired.”

“ _nah, i wasn’t. i just got back from a round._ ”

“a round? like a delivery trip?”

“ _yeah, i guess you could call it that. what about you?_ ”

“me? i was gonna go to bed, but i just finished doing paperwork for my boring job again.”

“ _yikes._ ”

“tell me about it,” yuri replies, rolling her eyes even though yena can’t see, “like, i know i’m just the new guy at work, and that means people think they can just dump everything on me and expect me to do it for them, but they really need to recognise that i have a limit too, y’know? like, i’m still new here and i don’t know how anything works, you can’t expect me to handle everything you guys are getting paid to do, and oh my god i’m rambling again aren’t i?”

“ _it’s fine, your rambling is fucking adorable._ ”

yuri can almost picture yena’s smirk as she says that, but she tries to ignore the way her heart speeds up as she does so.

“ _anyway, can’t you just tell them to stop?_ ”

“like they’d listen.”

“ _give it a shot. who knows, maybe they’ll think, ‘oh wow, this new kid actually knows how to stand up for herself’ and back off! most of those office nerds will back off if you tell them to._ ”

“yeah, well you’re forgetting that i’m just an office nerd and not a cool leather-wearing badass like you.”

yena chuckles in her ear, a soft, melodious sound that sends chills down yuri’s spine.

“ _who says? you’re plenty cool in my eyes, princess._ ”

“yeah, right,” yuri replies, but heat creeps onto her cheeks anyway.

“ _i can almost hear you blushing. you like me calling you princess?_ ”

yuri nearly chokes, yena laughing in her ears as she splutters incoherently.

“it’s like you’re trying to give me a heart attack,” yuri grumbles, grinning anyway. yena sounds likes she’s about to respond, but she stops suddenly. from the other end of the line, gruff, muffled noises can be heard, just quiet enough that yuri can’t make out what’s going on.

“you got people over or something?” she asks. “i can hang up if this is a bad time.”

“ _yeah, uh, i’m really sorry— something just came up. we’ll talk again later, okay?_ ”

“sure—” yuri begins, but is cut off by the harsh, unfeeling beep of the disconnect tone.

yuri sighs, dropping the phone onto her bed and not really minding that it bounces onto the floor. she flops onto the mattress, gazing blankly at the ceiling once again.

that yena is just like her father, hanging up without letting her say goodbye.

and yet somehow, she finds herself unable to stop thinking about her.

head buzzing, yuri shuts off the lights and goes to bed.

-

**_yena:_ ** _sorry about last week some stuff happened unplanned_

****

**_yena:_ ** _anyway i saw this and thought of you <3_

**_yena:_** [image attached]

**_me:_ ** _you literally just sent me a screenshot of the definition of ‘perfection’_

**_yena:_ ** _exactly_

**_me:_ ** _OwO_

**_yena:_ ** _haha cute_

**_yena:_ ** _sleep tight, princess_

(yuri doesn’t know how yena expects her to get any sleep after _that_ )

-

**_yena:_ ** _heyyyyy_

**_yena:_ ** _you awake?_

**_me:_ ** _not for long_

**_yena:_ ** _oh_

**_yena:_ ** _well don’t let me keep you up… get some sleep princess_

**_me:_ ** _its fine_

**_me:_ ** _i like talking to you. a lot_

**_yena:_ ** _oh?_

**_yena:_ ** _in any case you should get some rest_

**_me:_ ** _okayyy_

**_yena:_ ** _dream of me, princess_

(she does.)

-

it’s a few days later, when yuri’s in bed scrolling through twitter, when she hears the first knock against her window.

it’s barely audible at first, more of a tap than anything, but when she doesn’t respond it gets louder and more persistent, calling for her attention. yuri begrudgingly hops out of bed to examine the source of the noise, muttering under her breath.

“i swear to god, whoever you are, you better have a damn good reason for hitting my window at this time—”

yena stares back at her from the backyard, a fistful of pebbles in her hand and her arm pulled back like she’s about to throw another one. she’s wearing the leather jacket again, her purple hair swept back in a ponytail as she grins at yuri with a that cheeky grin again.

“what, stunned into silence by how good i look?” yena laughs, dropping the pebbles back iinto the grass, “i can’t say i blame you, i do look ridiculously good.”

“what? no, it’s just—” yuri begins. she shakes her head, hiding the red that’s spreading on her cheeks. “j-just wait there, i’ll be down in a sec.”

when she steps out the back door into the humid summer night, yena’s got her hands in her jacket pockets, waiting for her.

“how’d you know i live here?”

yena chuckles. “snapchat location. you’re the one who shared that shit with me.”

“sounds stalkerish to me,” yuri says, jokingly rolling her eyes, “but i guess i did choose to let you see it. what brings you here?”

“nothing much, really. i was going through our messages and i guess i came to a sort of realisation.”

“that being?”

“that i really like you, yuri. you’re funny, and pretty, and you make me happy just talking to you, and i know this sounds really fucking crazy because we just met, but i really like you.”

yuri feels her jaw drop, her face heating up. “i—wha—”

she’s interrupted by yena leaning down to her height, pressing soft lips against hers.

her heart stops. she’s been here before.

it’s a quick but intense moment of déjà vu, but it somehow feels so _real_. visions of cherry blossoms falling behind red brick walls. the same soft lips pressed against hers.

the kiss is short, and the memory fades as yena pulls away. yuri’s going red again as she chases yena’s lips, earning a chuckle and a pinch of the cheek from the other girl.

“you’re looking a little desperate there,” she smiles, patting yuri on the head. she shoves her hand back into the pocket of her jacket, turning towards the fence.

“goodnight, yuri.”

yuri’s stunned. “are you actually insane? we’ve just met! you’re just going to drop a bomb on me after barely getting to know me and then leave me hanging with only half a confession?” she asks, hating how desperate she sounds. yena only grins cockily at her in response, sending shivers down yuri’s spine.

“it can be more than just half a confession if you want it to be. goodnight, yuri.”

-

(suffice to say, after yena’s left, yuri finds herself unable to fall asleep, replaying the moment over and over in her head. she stays awake until she can hear the quiet click of a lock from downstairs and cautious footsteps going up the stairs into her father’s room.)

(even after that, she doesn’t get much sleep.)

-

yuri doesn’t know what she is to yena.

after the kiss, they meet a lot more, sometimes over coffee, sometimes at yena’s tiny, cramped apartment, but yena doesn’t bring up the incident. the way she acts toward yuri would indicate that she’s oblivious to the effect she has on yuri, but her actions say otherwise, because every time she puts her arm around yuri or strokes her hair she shoots yuri a knowing, arrogant smile.

yena convinces her to spend less time with her father, and on his part he’s home later and later every day. yuri’s always out the door before he’s out from his office, and he only gets back when yuri’s dead asleep. it’s funny, yuri thinks, because here she is, spending more time with an almost-stranger than her own father.

and yuri will admit, maybe it’s because she’s fallen hard for yena. maybe it’s the way she looks in that damned leather jacket, riding her bike around looking like the hottest girl in town; maybe it’s the way she laughs and smiles, when she looks more like a harmless duck than anything; but yuri finds yena in her head a lot more than she’d like, especially when she’s heading over to yena’s place, alone with her thoughts.

she remembers the first time she’d went over – the bitter smell of cigarettes hung in the outside air, blending into the warm summer weather to create a generally unpleasant aura, but the second she’d entered yena’s apartment she was met with the smell of something sweet and the glow of neon lights on the wall. maybe it’s the warm lighting of the place, or yena’s comforting familiarity, but she feels at home here.

and maybe she doesn’t know who she and yena are to each other, or if this is just some random biker chick playing her for a fool, but maybe it’s worth the hours and hours of talking and laughter and that damn _smile._

it’s all worth it for those moments.

-

(yena is like the summer.)

(hot, fleeting, unpredictable. passionate, reckless, leaving warmth wherever she goes. get too close and you might get burned.)

(yuri decides she likes summer.)

(she decides she likes it quite a lot.)

-

**_yena:_ ** _wanna stay over?_

**_yena:_ ** _we can get takeout and watch a movie_

**_me:_ ** _busy today. got paperwork to do_

**_yena:_ ** _please? <3_

**_me:_ ** _…fine_

yuri rolls out of bed, sighing as she heads down the stairs.

her father is at the bottom, sitting on the couch and looking absolutely worn out as he stares at his phone.

“m’ gonna stay with a friend tonight,” she says.

“really?” he replies. his voice is hoarse, but there’s a strange tone in his words that yuri can’t decipher. “and you’ll be back tomorrow?”

“yeah, that’s the plan.”

“that… that’s good, yuri. stay with them tonight, okay? and make sure you stay safe.”

yuri frowns. “you’re talking weird, dad.”

“am i?” he laughs nervously. it’s jarring, hearing him speak so timidly. “i guess i’m just… i have things to settle tonight… yeah. if you need to go, you should go soon, alright?”

yuri gives him a weird look, picking up her bag from where it sits on the dining table. “you sure you’re okay?” she asks, slipping on her shoes. her father’s eyes dart around, avoiding her gaze, but he gives her a smile anyway.

“i’m doing great, yuri. have a great time tonight, okay? love you.”

it still weirds her out, but yuri decides not to pursue it further. there’s not much else she can say without confronting him about his illegal activities, anyway.

throwing him one last concerned look, she steps out of the house.

-

“yuri, you good?”

yuri snaps herself back into reality, a little dazed. ‘wha- yeah, i’m fine!”

“you sure? you’ve been staring into space for the past five minutes, it’s like you can’t even hear what i’m saying,” yena says, rubbing her back.

“shit, really? i’m so sorry, yena, i just… i have a lot on my mind.”

“it’s fine! this isn’t about that paperwork, is it? because if it was something urgent i’m so sorry i made you come over, you can leave if you need to…”

“no, no… it isn’t that… it’s just… my dad’s acting weird, i guess.”

“weird? like how?” yena asks, leaning in closer.

“well… he… today, when i told him that i’d be staying with you tonight, he seemed… relieved, almost. it’s weird.”

“maybe he’s just glad to get you off his hands?”

yuri glares playfully at yena, who holds her hands up in surrender. “it’s a joke, i swear!” she giggles. “but in any case, i’m sure he’s fine! maybe he’s just stressed out with work?”

seeing yena’s earnest look, yuri feels a tiny smile creep up onto her face.

yena’s right, it’s probably nothing.

yuri grabs a box of takeout, digging in with renewed energy.

“y’know, on the topic of your dad, you never really told me what he does,” yena says suddenly, hand on yuri’s shoulder now. yuri furrows her brows.

“well, yeah, it’s not really that important, so i never brought it up. he… he’s a businessman,” yuri presses her lips together firmly. it’s not a complete lie, but she knows it’s a little vague.

“really? what kind of business? who does he work for?” yena asks, her grip on yuri’s shoulder tightening. yuri can feel herself begin to sweat and tense up, which yena must notice, because she lets go of yuri as if it hurts to touch her, turning her head downwards and mumbling an apology.

“it’s fine,” yuri sighs, “i guess i’m just a little paranoid.”

yena blinks back at her. “paranoid about what?” she asks, and yuri knows she’s messed up.

“n-nothing. i-it’s nothing you need to know.”

yena doesn’t respond.

when they finish their dinner, they walk to yena’s window, where there’s a perfect, picturesque view of that night’s full moon. yena seems to enjoy stargazing; she has an amateur telescope by the window, which she happily lets yuri try out.

“see that?” she asks excitedly, pointing the telescope at a constellation for yuri to look through. “that bright spot over there… that’s mars.”

“woah,” yuri whispers, “i didn’t know it was so close.”

“neither did i, until i bought this thing! i love looking at the sky at night, it’s just so beautiful. the stars are absolutely gorgeous.”

“which one’s your favourite?” yuri asks, looking up from the telescope. yena smiles sadly; it’s a melancholy look that seems out of place on her usually-bright face.

pointing up at the sky, yena points straight at the moon, full and round and bright today. yuri can make out all the spots and marks on it from its place in the night sky.

“my favourite isn’t a star… it’s the moon. ever since i was a kid, there’s just something about it… i could never explain it in words. i’ve always gotten this weird feeling, like i’m missing something… but when i see the moon, it makes me feel like things are gonna work themselves out… that we’re all gonna be okay, and maybe that sounds weird… but it’s what draws me to it.”

yena pauses for a moment, and yuri realises how little she really knows yena. her ripped jeans, her leather jacket, her cocky smile – they were all just a front hiding a softer, more vulnerable side.

yuri looks up at yena, still looking wistfully into the glow of the moon, her eyes big and round with an inexplicable sadness that neither of them could ever hope to describe. there’s a strange sense of familiarity at the sight, not unlike the one she’d gotten when they’d first met, but far subtler this time, laid back and like a gentle hum in the back of her head rather than a sudden realisation

yena turns to yuri now, meeting her gaze.

“yuri, the other day, in your backyard… you asked me if i was just gonna leave you with half a confession. i… i did a lot of thinking after that, and…”

“yena, you—”

“i’m in love with you, jo yuri.”

yuri is stunned into silence

“i tried to deny it at first and played around, but i really have fallen for you. you’re cute, and smart, and kind, and i can never stop thinking about you when you’re not around.”

there’s no arrogance now in the way yena speaks, just an earnest girl confessing her love. yuri doesn’t respond, her eyes wide and heart pounding so hard it might just jump out of her ribs. yena closes her eyes, opening her mouth to speak again.

“yuri, i love you, and i’m going to continue loving you until the moon goes dark and the stars go out.”

yuri’s heart stops; the hum in the back of her head starts screaming now.

she looks back at yena, eyes and hands trembling. “w-what?” she stammers, backing away. yena is visibly confused by her reaction, eyes wide, but yuri feels like she’s miles away. it’s like a door is unlocked in her head: all of a sudden everything comes flowing back. she can see the flash of headlights, feel the blood on her skin and in her throat; she can see yena, her hair jet-black, screaming over her body, _begging_ her to stay; she sees herself spinning in circles around a roller rink holding yena’s hand; she remembers kissing her under a cherry tree; she can taste the iron on her tongue and see the world go black.

yuri’s head is dizzy, the world spinning. she can see yena, in the present, walking towards her, but she backs away as yena draws closer. “i-i need to do something,” she mumbles, fumbling behind her for the doorknob. “s-sorry.”

yuri twists the doorknob, throwing the door open and running out of the building before yena can react. the smell of cigarettes hits her nose, but she couldn’t care less, dashing through the streets, not knowing where she’s headed.

eventually, she stops at a park, collapsing onto a bench and collecting her thoughts.

it doesn’t make sense – she’s _dead,_ or at least she was, because she knows she hasn’t ever done any of those things; she certainly hasn’t ever been hit by a car, at least, but somehow it all felt so _real_ that she knew it must’ve happened.

she was alive before this. she’d known yena. they’d been together, they’d been happy, and then it all ended. suddenly, everything made _sense,_ her panic at seeing the motorcycle; the constant feeling that she’d known yena; it had all come from a life before this one.

_if i remember, then does yena?_

yuri gasps, recalling how yena tensed when she told her she looked familiar. if yuri had suddenly remembered her past life, then yena would, too, and they could go back to the way things were, right?

yuri feels herself laughing, really, _really,_ laughing, because she’s just been given a second chance with yena. they can spend the rest of their lives together now, no car accident ending it all, no death to do them part.

just the two of them, loving each other until the stars go out.

making up her mind, yuri begins to jog back to yena’s apartment.

when she gets back the front door is ajar, but yena isn’t in the apartment. she walks in cautiously, gingerly pushing the door open and wincing as it creaks on its hinges.

“yena?” she calls, but there’s no response.

there’s a click from behind her, something hard presses into her skull roughly. yuri jumps and whips around, coming face-to-face with yena, pressing a gun directly into her skull.

“y-yena?” yuri whispers, “what are you doing?”

“don’t act oblivious,” yena snarls, her voice deep but cracking at the edges, “you know who i am, don’t you? that’s why you ran?”

yuri blinks, confused. “well, i mean, yeah, but i didn’t think you’d react this way.”

“what do you mean?” yena spits, pushing the barrel of the gun harder into yuri’s forehead. “you _know_ i’m here to kill your father. how could that not be a big deal?”

yuri’s head blanks out, all thoughts of past lives suddenly vanishing as the true nature of her reality reality began to hit her.

_this isn’t how it’s supposed to go._

“w-w-what do you mean? w-who are you?”

“don’t act stupid, yuri! you know i’m supposed to kill you both, so don’t make this any harder than it has to be, for either of us,” yena’s eyes are clouding up; yuri can see the muscles in her throat tightening and untightening between words, and she can hear her own heart pounding in her ears.

the pieces of the puzzle click into place, and yuri’s heart shatters. no, this can’t be happening.

“k-kill us…? y-yena, you—so all this time then, you were just using me? making me like you more and more just so you could eventually break my heart and kill me?” the walls are closing in around her; she’s having trouble breathing as she talks, and yena lowers the gun when she notices.

“i was trying to save you,” yena says through gritted teeth, “trying to get you away from him so that you wouldn’t get caught in the crossfire. he must’ve realised, too, which is why he tried to get you out of the house tonight. your father might be a ruthless gangster, but that doesn’t mean you need to suffer for it.” 

yuri laughs bitterly, surprising herself with how foreign she sounds. “don’t play the hero, choi yena, because we both know you would have killed me without a second thought. was i just an object to you, then? something to be saved when you figured you could play with me?”

yena’s arm trembles, her eyes wavering. “don’t say that,” she whispers, and yuri hates that in this moment she still wants run up to yena pretend this had never happened. “i really do love you, yuri, i-i… it was never part of the plan. me catching feelings.

“so you’d have killed me without a second thought, then.”

“i don’t want to hurt you, yuri. not anymore, so please don’t make me do this.”

yuri smiles, but it doesn’t mean anything anymore.

“i’d rather you have just shot me from the start.”

“i—” yena begins, but it’s just grating at yuri’s nerves now. she can’t stand to see yena still so caring, still so perfect, not when she’s just found out the truth.

“do it!” yuri screams, and yena flinches. her bottom lip quivers as she raises the gun, finger tightening around the trigger.

“ _please_ don’t make me do this,” yena begs, but she presses the barrel of the gun harder into yuri’s forehead anyway.

“just do it,” yuri whispers, tears falling from her face and onto the ground. yena’s face tightens, lips pressing into a firm line, and yuri closes her eyes.

yena pulls the trigger.

the bullet finds its target, and yena collapses into sobs.

* * *

03 _i see you in the fall._

when yuri opens her eyes she feels warm arms around her waist and her face in someone’s neck.

she pries herself out of the other person’s grip, wiggling out of bed awkwardly. her head is pounding; it hurts like she’d hungover, but she knows she hasn’t been drinking. from her spot standing next to the bed she notices the other person stirring. moonlight streams in through the window; illuminating a flash of purple in their hair.

yuri’s heart stops. she _knows_ that colour.

her head screams in pain, head flipping between images of thundering rain and neon lights. holding her head in one hand she walks back to the bed, yanking away the duvet.

the pounding stops as abruptly as it started, and yuri’s left chasing after images she can’t picture.

“yuri?” the purple haired girl in bed is awake now, and she yawns. “what are you doing?”

“wha—me?” there’s an indescribable pain in her voice. it’s not the same person.

“it’s fine, go back to sleep, baby.”

yuri climbs back into bed, snuggling up with hyewon, and lets her eyes fall shut.

-

“hey, are you okay?”

hyewon sets a mug of something warm on the countertop, which yuri gulps down almost immediately, but it doesn’t do much for her head. “i think i have a fever, or something. my head feels like it’s a million pounds and i’m kinda dizzy.”

hyewon palms yuri’s forehead, furrowing her brows as she talks. “you do feel kinda warm, baby. you should stay home today.”

“but you have to work,” yuri pouts, “and then i’ll be home alone!”

hyewon laughs, tousling yuri’s hair and leaning in to kiss her cheek. “i’ll get yena to come by and take care of you, okay? she told me she was free today, and i’m sure she won’t mind.”

yuri nods, mumbling a soft ‘okay’, and hyewon pinches her cheek, smiling fondly.

“i’ve got to get going now,” hyewon says as she grabs her work things and walks to the door. “get some rest, okay? i’ll be home for dinner. love you.”

the door clicks shut, and yuri, now alone, lets out a groan. hauling herself off her seat, she shuffles back into the bedroom, practically collapsing back into bed. she remembers the unusual ache in her chest she’d felt last night, and a part of her searches her memory for the images she saw in her head, but it seems every time she gets closer to remembering her head screeches in pain and she loses the thread. it’s like there’s a locked door in her brain, and all the answers she’s looking for are behind it.

“i don’t know,” yuri says to no one, pulling a pillow over her head and holding her breath.

“don’t know what?” a voice replies. yuri jumps, pulling the pillow off her head, and sees yena standing at the foot of her bed, one hand on her hip and holding a glass of water in the other, beige-blonde hair cascading in waves around her shoulders. the colour is new; it looks good on her.

“what’s with the hair?” yuri asks, deflating back onto the bed. there’s a little itch in the back of her throat, which visibly discomforts her enough for yena to hand her the glass of water.

“i thought it’d be a nice change, i mean, i’ve had black hair for forever and this just seemed cool.”

“yeah, it fits you,” yuri sighs, placing the glass on her bedside table and moving aside to let yena sit next to her, which she does.

“y’know, when hyewon said you were sick, i thought that’d mean you’d be asleep or something. shouldn’t you be resting?”

yuri rolls her eyes, jokingly smacking away yena’s hand when she tries to feel her forehead. “well i’m not, and what about it?” she says, coughing a little when she stops.

yena laughs, and yuri just wants to hear it playing all day. she stokes yuri’s hair, twirling a strand of it between her fingers. “go to sleep, yuri. it’ll help with the migraine. i’ll go get you some food in the meantime.”

yuri grumbles, but she nods in compliance anyway. she’s always had trouble saying no to yena, and yena knows that, exploiting it with usually positive results. it’s how she initially agreed to go on that stupid blind date where she met hyewon, and look where that got them.

“see you in a bit, yul,” yena says, walking out and shutting the door gently. yuri smiles a little.

it’s funny, really, how after all these years yena is still the only one who calls her that; even hyewon would rather call her by her actual name.

the itch in her throat is back with a vengeance, and yuri downs the rest of her water, clearing her throat, her eyes tearing up a little with the discomfort. when the itch doesn’t vanish, she sighs, defeatedly getting out of bed and walking into the bathroom. it’s not a second too late, either, because at that moment she breaks into a fit of hacking coughs, bending over the sink and gripping its edges as hard as she can.

“what the hell?” she coughs, voice strained and face turning red as the coughs keep coming. she can taste something warm and metallic in her mouth, spilling over her tongue and into her sink from the intensity of her hacking.

eventually the coughs slow and her throat stops screaming, and she’s left light-headed and numb from how hard she’d gripped the sink.

yuri opens her eyes, inspecting the sink, and nearly faints at the sight.

because lying there, amongst the blood and phlegm she’s coughed up, there lies a single, yellow petal.

-

when yuri’s done freaking out, she slumps against the bathroom door, holding her head in her hands and staring at the wall ahead of her.

she manages to get all the blood off the sink, but she has no idea what to do with the petal, which she’s rinsed and dried and is now holding in front of her face, staring blankly at it as if it knows the answer.

the petal is small – it’s pointed at the tip and fits in the palm of her hand – and under the light of the bathroom it shines bright yellow, cool, silky and smooth to the touch. google tells her it’s a daffodil.

yuri knows she has to keep this to herself. she isn’t completely oblivious, after all – she’s seen stories of hanahaki all over the news as cases rise daily and doctors are left scratching their heads over how to cure it. it’s happening to her now, and soon she’s going to be just another headline on the news, and she can’t let that happen.

no, this _can’t_ be happening, because she has a girlfriend who loves her, and there’s no way for her to have contracted a disease that feeds off of longing.

unless—

“yuri? are you okay?” yena asks, knocking on the door. “you were coughing for a while, d’you need help?”

_no,_ yuri thinks, throat tightening, _no, this can’t be happening._

“yuri?” yena asks, noticeably more worried. yuri feels a tear slip out from the corner of her eye, but she swallows silently and tries to steady her voice.

“i-i’m fine. just a bit of phlegm,” yuri says, unable to stop her voice from quivering. “don’t worry about it.”

there’s silence from the other side of the door, but after a while yena lets out a little ‘okay’ and yuri hears her footsteps getting further.

now alone, yuri lets her tears fall.

-

yuri’s wrapped in darkness; there’s nothing but black for as far as her vision goes. she tries to take a step forward, but her feet are stuck, even though the ground is smooth and dry.

there’s a rustle behind her, and yuri spins around, her feet magically mobile again. a pair of roller skates lie on the ground where they definitely weren’t before. curious, yuri walks forward, footsteps echoing with every step she takes. she kneels on one knee and reaches out to touch them, but they disappear when she makes contact. yuri stands up again, turning her head to look for the skates, when she’s met with the feeling of slipping.

yuri looks down to see the roller skates on her feet, eyes widening in shock as she takes several clumsy steps back.

she should be falling. why isn’t she falling?

the blackness around her begins to morph, and in the blink of an eye yuri’s no longer surrounded by nothing. she’s in a roller rink now, and despite the fact that she’s never been in one, there’s a weird sense of familiarity around the place.

“hold on to my hands, alright? i’ll catch you if you fall, promise.”

yuri turns her head, surprised, to see a figure beside her, face blurry and shadowed despite the bright lights of the room. yuri can’t make out their features, but she can hear the distinctly fond tone in their voice. it tugs at her heart, even though she has no idea why.

“w-who are you?” yuri stammers, backing away. the figure doesn’t respond, and yuri reaches to touch them. her hand passes clean through their face as if they’re made of air, their face billowing like smoke, the surroundings rippling like they’re made of water.

“what?”

before yuri can process what just happened, the roller rink around her begins to melt and reshape, this time into a moonlit backyard, and yuri can almost feel humidity against her skin. the figure in front of her is dressed in black leather now, and once again there’s a strange sense of deja-vu.

“i really like you, yuri. you’re funny, and pretty, and you make me happy just talking to you, and i know this sounds kinda crazy because we just met, but i really do like you.”

yuri’s taken aback once more, even more so when she realises that the skates are no longer on her feet, instead she’s barefoot against dewy grass.

“i’m sorry, i don’t think i under—”

she cuts herself off when she feels something press into the back of her skull. she turns slowly, and the background fades as she turns, morphing into a neon-lit apartment and the smell of home. yuri sees the barrel of a gun pointed at her forehead, and nearly screams.

“please don’t make me do this,” the figure in front of her says, voice barely a whisper, and this time yuri can make out purple hair fading into pink. she can almost see the outlines of eyes on the stranger’s face, but the more she tries to focus the blurrier it gets.

“i don’t get it,” yuri says, “what the hell is going on?”

she doesn’t get an answer, because there’s a deafening bang and yuri falls to the ground screaming. her head feels like it’s about to split into two, and she can feel something warm and sticky running down her face, but when she touches it her hands come back clean and dry. there’s a ringing in her ears now; yuri’s hands fly to her ears and she grinds her teeth together, screaming and whining, but no one seems to hear her plight.

there’s something cold and wet against her skin now, and the ringing gets worse. someone’s shaking her, screaming her name, begging her to wake up, and she feels her hair getting drenched and water against her face. yuri curls into a ball, pressing her hands harder against her ears, clenching her jaw harder, until her teeth might break.

“ _make it stop!_ ”

-

“yuri!”

yuri bolts upright, gasping for breath.

“yuri! are you okay?”

it takes her a while to realise that she’s sitting on her bed, clutching the covers in darkness. hyewon’s sitting next to her, rubbing her back; her hair is matted with sweat and her face is sticky with tears.

“w-w-wha—what happ—what happened?” yuri gasps, eyes shifting onto hyewon.

“i don’t know… i got back late and was getting changed, then when i came in you were thrashing around and screaming! did you have a nightmare?”

yuri takes a moment to catch her breath, replaying the details of what had just happened. she’d seen _someone,_ but for the life of her she was still unable to make out their face.

“i-i-i—i don’t know…” yuri breathes, closing her eyes. hyewon continues rubbing her back, moving strands of hair out of her face, and the two of them sit in silence. the only sound in the room is the sound of yuri’s ragged breathing slowly returning to normal.

once yuri’s breathing normally again, hyewon slows her movements, but they continue to sit in silence.

“c’mon,” hyewon says suddenly, standing and breaking the quiet. yuri looks up at her with confused eyes.

“what?”

“let’s go on a walk. to clear your mind.”

“hyewon, it’s one in the morning.”

“perfect time to get some fresh air, don’t you think? c’mon, you need it.”

yuri sighs. she supposes hyewon’s right, and so she lets herself be dragged out of bed by her girlfriend, and out into the streets of seoul.

-

autumn is yuri’s favourite season, because the colours are always so pretty, and even though she knows they’re a sign of the cold winter to come, she can’t help but be enthralled by the beauty of the season.

it’s no different tonight as she and hyewon crunch over fallen leaves. moonlight casts a serene glow over the red and orange leaves on the trees and ground, and yuri decides it’s just what she needs after that episode.

“thanks,” she says to hyewon, who smiles and loops her arm through yuri’s.

“it must’ve been quite a nightmare. wanna talk about it?”

yuri shakes her head sighing. “i don’t even know what it was about, myself. i guess i’ve just had a lot on my mind lately.”

hyewon looks unconvinced, but she doesn’t push it.

eventually, yuri decides it’s time to head home, so they turn to leave. they’re halfway home when hyewon spots someone across the road and points them out to yuri.

“yena! what are you doing here!” hyewon calls, and yuri’s heart stops. almost on cue, the itch in her throat is back, this time stronger and more aggressive as it claws at the walls of her gullet. it takes all of yuri’s will power not to break into a coughing fit right then and there.

yena waves at them from across the street. she’s wearing a baseball cap now, round glasses catching the moonlight from their perch on her nose. her hands are jammed in her pockets, but she removes one and waves at them brightly. she crosses the road, and yuri can really see how beautiful she looks.

“late night walk!” yena replies, grinning, and yuri feels her throat tighten. “yuri, you feeling better?”

yuri swallows the petals in her throat. “yeah! i mean, well enough to be out, anyway.”

yena smiles and looks up at the trees, and yuri can’t help but smile. yena admiring nature has to be one of her favourite things to witness: it makes her look so innocent, so happy, and yuri can’t help but feel a sense of warmth in that look.

“autumn’s such a pretty season, don’t you think?”

hyewon nods, and yena keeps talking.

“i guess that’s why i’m out, really, you really have to appreciate the colours, even if it’s at night. autumn’s my favourite season.” yena says fondly.

“autumn’s your favourite? really? it’s literally only pretty because everything’s going to die in like, two months,” hyewon says.

“but that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate the beauty of the present, does it? everything dies eventually, hyewonnie, which is why we need to appreciate what we can see while we can still see it.” yuri wasn’t expecting herself to say all that, but she blurts it out almost naturally, which makes both yena and hyewon smile.

“see? she gets it,” yena grins, which only heightens the scratching in yuri’s throat, and her lungs beg for mercy.

“are you really surprised?” yuri begins, ignoring the discomfort, “i mean, every time during lectures and stuff you literally wouldn’t shut up about it. you kinda made autumn my favourite, too.”

“sorry, yul!” yena chuckles, “rambling has always been a terrible habit of mine.”

“it’s cute,” yuri blurts out without thinking. she can feel hyewon stiffen against her, but she really couldn’t care less.

“excuse you! are you flirting with me?” yena isn’t helping the situation either.

“i don’t know, am i?”

“you have a girlfriend!” yena giggles. it’s infectious; yuri can feel her lips tug upwards.

hyewon clears her throat and shoots yuri an look, which yena must notice because she smiles sheepishly and takes a few steps back.

“you guys were headed home, right? don’t let me slow you down, you must both be tired as hell,” she waves, but yuri wants her to stay. “i’ll see you, then.”

once yena’s gone, hyewon turns to yuri. “we should get home, it’s late,” she says, beginning to walk, but yuri doesn’t budge.

“you were the one who wanted to be out!”

“and now i want to leave, so can we go?”

the petals tickle yuri’s throat, and her features twist into annoyance.

“i think i’ll stay for a bit longer. you can head home, hyewon. goodnight.”

hyewon huffs, pulling her hand out of yuri’s grip and waving half-heartedly as she turns homeward. it’s strange behaviour, but it’s the least of her worries right now. the itch in her throat is getting stronger, and yuri makes sure hyewon’s completely out of earshot before she walks over to a patch of soil, trying to spit it out as discreetly as she can.

maybe it’s because she’s already done it once, but this time the petal dislodges from her throat much more easily. it only takes a few mostly-silent coughs for the petal to come tumbling onto her hand, a single speck of blood staining its corner. yuri wipes the blood off the diamond-shaped petal, and it shines white in the moonlight, a stark contrast to the deep red and orange of the leaves around her.

she admires the petal under the moonlight, turning it over in the palm of her hand. it’s much thicker than the daffodil, but she quite likes the texture of this one.

_you have to tell someone,_ says a voice in her head, but yuri disagrees. she simply can’t, because then hyewon would know she wasn’t yuri’s true love, and finding out yuri loved her best friend more than her would devastate her.

yuri swallows. until she figures out a solution, this is going to be her little secret.

-

(the number of petals thrown into the trash increases exponentially after that, and yuri finds herself growing increasingly weary. all it does is make her think of yena even more, and then the petals tumble out even faster.)

-

she has a couple of close calls.

hyewon nearly walks in on her in the bathroom one day as she’s flushing petals down the toilet, but she manages to slam the door shut before she sees anything. at work, she’ll find herself in meetings when she feels the tell-tale signs of something in her throat forcing its way out, and she often rushes out of the room with mumbled apologies to take care of it. there are even moments when she’s in public, doing something as mundane as shopping, when she breaks out into a fit of coughs and hacks and has to stumble her way into the nearest bathroom to get it all out.

she doesn’t tell hyewon. she can’t.

-

the days pass, and yuri gets better at hiding her episodes.

the petals in her lungs seem to notice, and they begin to grow in size every day. yuri’s horrified when she coughs up an entire, bloodied, carnation one day, but it still isn’t enough for her to tell anyone. the next day, she somehow pulls a flower, still attached to its stem, out of her throat, and by this point yuri is sure her throat is beyond repair.

still, she stubbornly refuses to tell anyone, and so the flowers keep coming.

-

“you’ve been acting weird lately,” hyewon tells her one day, and maybe she has been. she’s eating less now, only getting into bed after hyewon’s dead asleep, and she finds herself talking to hyewon a lot less.

“don’t worry about it,” yuri tells her, setting the dishes on the drying rack. “i just have a lot on my mind.

hyewon scoffs, downing the rest of her coffee. “i’m not going to pry because it’s your life, but you need to tell me if it bothers you, okay? i’m here for you, yuri.”

yuri smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes, and if hyewon notices, she doesn’t say anything. she grabs her coat, pecking yuri on the cheek and walking out the door.

“see you tonight, yuri.”

when the door clicks shut, yuri finds herself tearing up.

she breaks out her laptop and tries to get some work done, but after a few hours her head is still spinning with thoughts of flowers.

and what the hell was the nightmare from that night? she’d never really figured out what it meant, or what was going on, and now as yuri continued to stare at her laptop she finds faceless figures occupying too much of her head.

sighing, she gazes out the window.

_i need to clear my head,_ yuri thinks, reaching for her coat, _time to take a walk._

-

autumn really is pretty.

yuri loves the bright red of the leaves; she loves the sounds of crunching leaves; she loves the weather, perpetually in a state of cool that’s perfect and refreshing when she needs it the most.

“hey! yul!”

yuri freezes. only one person calls her that, and they’re at the root ( _ha, ha,_ she sighs internally) of her flower problem.

“long time no see!” yena chirps, hopping off her bicycle. yuri almost doesn’t hear her, because the image of yena on a bike stirs something in her; a memory drawing closer.

“what? oh, hi! i thought you’d be at work…” yuri says, a little softer than she’d intended, but yena doesn’t seem to notice. her smile reaches her eyes, and yuri can’t help but think, now more than ever, that she looks perfect.

“could say the same for you! it’s my day off! what about you!”

“i… i took the day off to rest. ‘m still feeling a bit feverish from last week.”

yena nods brightly, and the sight of it triggers a familiar tug in yuri’s chest. her lungs begin to heave; several days of vomiting flowers have taken their toll on them.

“it’s a beautiful day,” yena muses, eyes shining. yuri wonders what it is about her that always manages to steal the breath out of her.

“let’s go on a walk,” yena says suddenly, extending her hand for yuri, who looks back at her confusedly.

“what?” yuri hears the crunch of leaves under her as she takes a step back. she can feel a petal in her throat, which she swallows stubbornly, steadying her voice.

“you heard me. it’s a beautiful day, yul, so let’s go on a walk together.”

_this is a bad idea,_ screams the voice in her head, but yuri pretends not to hear.

she’s always had trouble saying no to yena.

yuri takes yena’s hand, basking in the glow of yena’s grin as yena leads her down the street, pushing her bike with one hand. she’s effortlessly pretty like this, eyes bright like the stars and grinning like nothing can stop her.

_stop. you have a girlfriend._

“you okay?” yena’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts, and yuri realises they’re by the river now. yena’s bike is chained to a tree, and they’re sitting hand-in-hand on a section of the riverwalk without a safety barrier. their legs dangle over the water, watching the tour boats in the distance.

“yeah,” yuri sighs, avoiding yena’s eyes. she gazes dazedly into the river, watching the waters ripple every now and then when the wind blows.

yena doesn’t say anything, leaning forward on the railing and looking into the horizon. the afternoon sun casts her face in a beautiful golden glow.

_this is wrong,_ she thinks, but she still finds herself falling deeper into yena’s eyes.

“i’m sorry if i made things between you and hyewon awkward that night,” yena says suddenly, staring blankly into the river. “i didn’t mean to, i swear!”

“it’s fine, yen,” yuri smiles, “we always find a way to fix it in the end. plus, you’re my best friend, and a little bit of platonic flirting shouldn’t hurt her.”

the words hurt yuri to say. she hopes yena doesn’t notice.

“guess i did good by setting you guys up, huh?” yena chuckles, cheeks puffing up proudly. there’s something else in her eyes, another look yuri can’t quite decipher.

“yeah…” yuri begins, “i guess you did.”

the comfortable silence that settles between them is broken when yuri speaks again.

“do you ever… regret, you know, getting us together?”

yena pauses, pursing her lips adorably. she squints a little in the sunlight, staring off into the distance.

“you’re so happy with her,” she finally whispers, smiling. “you’re happy, and that’s all that matters.”

yena looks to the skies again, and yuri feels that sense of warmth return.

“look, yul, the moon’s really bright today.”

she’s right; it’s still early in the afternoon, but the full moon hangs bright in the sky.

“god, it’s so pretty,” yena says, entranced.

yuri giggles, laughing even harder when she sees yena’s confused face. “you sound like you’re in love with the moon.”

yena smiles, smacking yuri’s arm playfully.

“no i don’t! and anyway, i have my reasons!”

“oh yeah? name them,” yuri challenges, watching yena collect her thoughts.

“i mean,” yena begins, looking fondly into the sky, “obviously the moon is pretty and all, but beyond that, it’s witnessed so much in the world, through everything we humans have done and even maybe before that, it’s always been there, watching over us.”

“those are some mighty deep thoughts coming from someone who thought jumping thirty feet into a lake when they were fifteen was a good idea,” yuri giggles.

“shut up! i thought we made a deal to never mention that ever again!”

“sorry, what’s that? i can’t hear you over the sound of your stupidity.”

yuri earns another playful punch for that, which takes graciously. she’s terrifyingly aware of the build-up of plants in her lungs, threatening to come out with even the tiniest bit of action from yena, but she timidly stays quiet.

“i mean, really though! that’s what i think about the moon, and beyond that, too, there’s… something else…” yena trails off, her gaze returning upward.

“i guess… i don’t know, maybe it’s dumb… but i get this feeling like i’m forgetting something important about myself… not like, work, or whatever, but something else, fundamental about who i am, and i don’t know… maybe the moon knows what i’m missing and is just waiting for me to remember, too.”

“yena, i… wow…” yuri whispers.

“it’s dumb, i know…” yena laughs nervously, looking into her lap.

“n-no!” yuri cries, swallowing down petals, “i think that’s really… beautiful. i can’t find the words to describe it, but it’s a really poetic way of thinking. sometimes, i feel the same… it’s like i’m missing a part of myself, and i don’t know why.”

yena strokes yuri’s bangs aside. “well, maybe we just need a little more time to find that missing piece.”

yuri goes quiet, resting her head on yena and basking in the moment.

and that’s when it hits her.

it’s sudden this time. no trigger words to set off the vault of memories. no nightmare of lives past to jolt her into awareness. she feels two past lives of experiences explode into her head at the same time, completely unprompted.

her eyes go wide; all the lightbulbs go off in her head at once. it’s deja-vu, and the petals that had sat placidly in her throat now threaten to burst out.

“hey, what’s wrong?” yena asks, smile gone. yuri slaps a hand over her mouth, trying not to gag but feeling herself fail.

it happens too quickly. she can’t hold back the itch in her throat any longer, and the petals come spilling out onto her hand. yena sees it immediately, backing away horrified.

“i- i — yena, i’m sorry.”

yuri turns and runs before yena can stop her.

-

yuri doesn’t even bother to lock the door behind her, rushing straight into the bathroom and bending over the sink. almost immediately, she begins to cough and gag once more, her petal-filled lungs protesting with every movement.

_i know you, choi yena._

_i’ve seen you before. i’ve loved you before. i’ve died for you before, and it’s about to happen again._

_it was you in the roller rink; it was you in the backyard; all along, it was always you._

_i know you._

the coughing goes on for several minutes, turning her face red and her mouth sore. there’s blood in the sink and in her mouth but she doesn’t care. petals tumble out of her mouth, but the pain doesn’t stop.

eventually, she can feel something in her mouth, and she reaches her fingers inside, grabbing it by the base and tugging it out.

it’s a blue rose and its stem, still covered in thorns, a sight that certainly can’t mean anything good. she can feel the rest of the stem stuck in her throat, clawing at her muscles and begging to be let out.

it _is_ quite pretty, to be sure, but this really isn’t the time.

yuri slumps to the ground, exhausted, twirling the bloodied, crumpled flower in her hands.

_god, i’m a mess._

“yuri?”

she freezes.

slowly, she turns around, coming face-to-face the last person she wants to see right now.

“h-hyewon.”

hyewon stands with her eyes wide and mouth agape, hurt reflecting in her glossy eyes.

“i-it’s not what it looks like, i—”

“it’s yena, isn’t it?”

hyewon’s words are quiet and angry, voice wavering as she speaks in a way that makes yuri’s heart ache and her eyes cloud. she remains quiet, bowing her head.

“i’ve seen the way you look at her. i-it’s obviously her,” hyewon snarls, and yuri isn’t prepared for how harsh she sounds.

“i’m sorry.”

“save it, i’m leaving.”

“hyewon, no,” yuri says, desperate, she reaches out for hyewon’s hand, but the latter yanks it away.

“let go of me.” even just listening to her voice stings, and yuri feels tears spill out of her eyes.

“no, hyewon, i swear, there’s an explanation.”

“then tell me! explain to me, then, yuri, why the hell is my girlfriend so in love with someone else to the point where she starts puking flowers?”

yuri’s silent.

“how long were you just going to keep quiet about this?” hyewon’s voice is quieter now, but not any less harsh. “how long were you going to make me play the fool, loving someone who could never love me back?”

yuri can’t respond, and she sees the last bit of hope in hyewon’s eyes fizzle out.

“that’s what i thought,” hyewon spits. she throws yuri one last spiteful look, picking up her bag and storming out of the apartment.

the door slams shut, and all yuri can do is cry.

-

she doesn’t know what time it is when she hears banging at her door.

“yuri! open up! i know you’re in there!” the voice behind it cries. yuri immediately recognises the voice, and how could she not? she’s known it for three lifetimes now, and she’s about to die again because of it.

“yuri, please! i-i just want to talk!” yena cries, banging louder.

thorns prick at yuri’s throat, drawing tears from her eyes. she can hear the desperation in yena’s voice, but a part of her doesn’t want to open the door.

she’s too far gone. yena needs to stay away.

the banging stops abruptly, and there’s the sound of someone slumping to the ground against the door and breaking into sobs.

“yuri,” yena says between tears, “i-i know you’re scared, and, and i know you don’t know what you’re going to do, but you have to let me in! we can, w-we can figure this out together! please.”

yuri sobs harder, but she can’t find the words to respond.

“a-and i’m sorry, yul, because it’s my fault, too, for not noticing, and i’m s-sorry i couldn’t help you through the pain… but you know i’ll be with you, always, and that’s not going to change.”

“i don’t want to lose you, i can’t lose you… i want to be there for you, yul, through everything, the highs and the lows and everything in between… i want to be your moon, watching over you, and i’ll be there for you until the moon goes dark and the stars go out.”

_that line again._

yuri wants to laugh; she’s heard it far too many times and it always makes her fall harder for yena. it’s funny, really, because every time yena says it something bad inevitably happens. yuri almost cackles at the irony when there’s an acute jolt of pain in her chest. she screams in pain; she can almost feel the thorns making their way through the soft flesh of her lungs.

there’s the sound of someone ramming their entire body into the door, and she can hear yena screaming with renewed vigour now.

“yuri, let me in!”

she makes up her mind.

yuri’s always had trouble saying no to yena.

clutching her chest, she crawls over to the front door, groaning in pain every time she feels the thorns tighten.

mustering up the last bits of her strength, she unlocks the door, collapsing into a ball immediately after and hugging her chest.

“y-yuri!” yena scrambles in as soon as the door opens, gingerly flipping yuri onto her back. blood dribbles from yuri’s mouth and thorns fill her mouth.

_i’m going to die again._

“stay with me, yul,” yena begs. there are tears streaming down her face, her eyes red and raw and voice quivering with every word she speaks. yuri wants to tell her it’s all going to be fine, but she knows that’d be a lie.

“please, i-i’m sorry, i can save you… i can help you! just stay with me, please, i can’t lose you!”

yuri can only let out a strangled cry, her trembling hand desperately trying to reach for yena’s face. her vision focuses and unfocuses on the lights in her ceiling and yena’s wide eyes – both of them know there’s nothing she can do anymore.

“ _please,_ ” yena begs, and it hurts yena more than the thorns ever could.

“i— i— y-y-ye… na…”

the thorns in her chest pierce her lungs, and yuri screams, feeling flowers and petals burst up her throat. yena is wailing now, hugging yuri’s dying body close, repeated apologies of _i’m sorry_ floating in the air as she watches yuri slip away.

yuri’s vision is darkening again; all she can see is yena’s devastated face. all the words and apologies and things she wants to tell yena are stuck; blocked in her throat by the thorns and flowers and petals. this is it; this is the end.

_i’m sorry._

yuri parts her lips to speak, but all that comes out is a final black rose.

* * *

04 _i see you in the winter._

yuri remembers waking up one day when it hits her.

it wasn’t as big of a realisation as one might expect – it felt more like she’d known it all along, but had only just realised the significance. all of a sudden, all three lifetimes came back to her; every conversation and every kiss and every death playing in her head like it’d just happened yesterday, and suddenly all she wants is to never see choi yena’s face again.

it isn’t that she dislikes yena; quite the opposite, in fact. yena’s nice and smart and terribly fucking pretty, and there’s something so endearing about the way she walks around with her heart on her sleeve.

yuri lets her feelings stop at endearment.

it’s always been easy to let loose around yena. she’s is the kind of person who’s friend to all, enemy to none. yuri often finds her hanging around her and her friends, cracking jokes and laughing like she doesn’t have a care in the world.

but when the memories come back, all of a sudden yuri can no longer bring herself to stay close.

so yuri lets herself stay just out of arm’s reach. she keeps it professional; keeping conversation when she has to but politely declining whenever yena asks if she wants to hang out. simple, right?

wrong, because this is choi yena she’s talking about.

yena notices how distant yuri becomes, and although initially she leaves her alone with nothing more than a pout and a few whines, she gradually starts becoming clingier than yuri’s ever seen her. yena sits next to her during lectures; she asks yuri to tutor her despite being a straight-a student; she knocks on her dorm door during dinnertime with takeout for two – if yuri weren’t in the situation she was in, she would have found it adorable.

but life is unfair like that, and so yuri runs.

in fact, she finds herself running from yena a lot.

she’s attracted to yena like a moth to flame, and when a moth draws too close, it gets burned. yuri’s been burned before; three times; she’s seen first-hand what happens when she gets too attached to yena, and she’s keen for it not to happen again. loving yena is dangerous, so it’s for the best.

it’s why she finds herself bolting in the opposite direction when yena’s walking down the halls; why she tries weaselling her way out of meetings when she finds out yena’s coming; it’s why she begs and pleads with her parents to let her move back to busan with them.

they always say no, of course.

yuri finds herself running away from choi yena a lot, and she wishes it didn’t hurt her as much as it does.

-

“hey.”

yuri looks up from her notes to see minju standing over her, hands on her hips and with an unreadable expression on her face.

“you told yena you were sick, but i guess that was a lie, huh?”

yuri groans, burying her face in her hands. “not you, too.”

“hey, i didn’t say anything! i’m just a concerned friend trying to understand why you’re avoiding her!”

“’m not avoiding her,” yuri mumbles, and minju scoffs.

“yeah right. says the person who tried dropping their major because yena was in the same class. what’s your definition of ‘avoiding’ again?”

minju deftly evades the book that’s thrown at her.

“look, yuri, i’m not here to nag, or whatever. i’m not gonna fix your problems for you. but yena’s confused, and hurt, and i think you should at least talk to her and tell her what’s wrong.”

_as if it were that easy,_ she snaps internally.

“i’ll think about it,” she tells minju.

and it’s not entirely a lie, either, because yuri does miss yena. she misses having someone to talk to about things, because as much as she loves minju, she really can’t hold conversations the way yena can – no one could, in fact. with yena, they could talk about nothing for five hours straight and yuri would still come out of it thinking it was the best time she’d spent doing anything.

“hello? earth to yuri?” minju says, snapping her fingers, and yuri blinks.

“w-what?” yuri stammers, realising she’s zoned out again. minju only rolls her eyes, far too accustomed to yuri and her short attention span.

“i said, are you coming down to nako’s party later? she invited you a while back, remember?”

yuri groans, only now reminded of its existence. “right… the party… see, here’s the thing—”

“you forgot again?” minju sighs, not letting her finish. “god, the day you stop working so hard…”

“i’m not sure i can make it tonight.”

minju rolls her eyes, snatching yuri’s notebook and ignoring her whines. “you’ve studied hard enough for this week… or actually, for a lifetime. just come along!”

“i can’t—”

“i’ve checked your class schedule and i know for a _fact_ that you don’t have tests for another two months, so will you _please_ give up and let loose for once?”

minju doesn’t give yuri a chance to protest before she starts speaking again.

“actually, scratch that. i’m making sure you come along, whether you want to or not. i’d better see you there, okay? see you.”

yuri watches as minju marches back out of her dorm, still holding her notebook. she sighs, wondering why minju wants her there so badly.

_time to pick out an outfit._

-

by the time yuri gets to nako’s house, the party is already in full swing.

there’s a lot more people here than she’d expected, and yuri regrets agreeing to come over. the lights are dim and the music makes the ground tremble – it really isn’t the kind of place she’d usually find herself in.

amidst sweaty bodies and the smell of alcohol, yuri catches sight of a familiar face waving at her from the back of the room. she shoves her way through the crowd, trying her best to get over to her minju without being crushed by the crowd.

she finally makes it over, only to find minju chugging soju straight out of the bottle as a group of her friends clap in amazement.

“if this is what you’re gonna do the whole time, then i think i’ll just leave!” yuri shouts over the music. minju looks at her, laughing like she didn’t just down an entire bottle of soju.

“it’s just a bit of alcohol! nothing wrong with that!” she laughs. yuri rolls her eyes.

“whatever, minju. why do you want me here?”

minju’s eyes go wide, as if she’d just remembered something. “right! i don’t know how i forgot!”

“you just chugged way more alcohol than you can take, i think that explains everything,” yuri scoffs, but minju pretends not to hear, thrusting the bottle into the hands of one of her friends and grabbing yuri by the arm.

“follow me,” minju says, leading her through the crowd of bodies into a quieter corridor. she stops at the end of the hallway, turning to yuri.

“listen, she paid me a frankly obscene amount to help her, so this better go well.”

yuri’s brows furrow. “what the hell are you—”

she doesn’t get to finish before minju kicks the door open, pushing yuri into the darkness and slamming the door closed behind her.

“kim minju, what the hell!” yuri screams, trying to open the door, but it stubbornly remains closed. she starts banging on the door with her fists, screaming and cursing at minju to open up.

she only stops when the lights in the room switch on and she’s once again bathed in light. jumping at the sudden sensation, she whips around to look at the culprit, eyes widening when she realises who it is.

“uh, hi,” yena grins sheepishly, rubbing her neck.

“you’ve got to be kidding me,” yuri groans, slumping to the ground against the door. “you?” her voice comes out far harsher than she’d intended, and out of the corner of her eye she catches yena flinching, looking at the ground dejectedly.

“do you hate me that much?” yena mumbles, and yuri feels her heart shatter.

“no, i didn’t—i don’t hate you, yena.”

“it doesn’t look that way to me,” yena says sadly.

yuri sighs, burying her face in her hands.

“let me out, yena.”

“not until you tell me why you’re avoiding me.”

“it’s nothing you need to worry about, okay? j-just… let me out and move on.”

“nothing i need to worry about? yuri, you run away when you see me in the corridors. something’s obviously up, and i’m not opening that door until i find out what i did,” yena says. yuri lifts her head from her hands to see yena staring at her determinedly. she’s her best to look intimidating but really, she just looks adorable.

“yuri, i… i like you. a lot, and as more than a friend. i’m not going to give up that easily!”

yuri’s eyes widen in surprise. she gets to her feet, tilting her head up to stare into yena’s chestnut eyes. she notes the way yena gulps, eyes quivering, but doesn’t back down.

it almost makes her want to give up and run into yena’s arms, but she can’t.

“i… i don’t feel the same way, yena. and i’d appreciate it if you stopped trying… i’m trying to save my life,” yuri growls, jabbing a finger into yena’s chest.

“what?” yena’s eyes waver. “i-i mean… am i _that_ repulsive?”

“no, you— i didn’t mean it that way, okay? just let me out, yena.” yuri tries the door again, but it remains stubbornly closed.

“what do you mean, you didn’t mean it that way? how else would you mean it?” yena’s voice is firmer now, pushing yuri for an answer. yuri groans, lowering her head and massaging the bridge of her nose.

“look, you wouldn’t get it—”

“then help me get it!” yena’s voice cracks. yuri looks up, immediately seeing yena’s flushed face, her own heart starting to speed up.

“yuri, i don’t… i don’t get why you suddenly hate me so much… i really really like you, yuri, and i want to know why you don’t… _please._ ”

_please._

_“please stay with me… i-i can’t—you can’t leave me…”_

_“please don’t make me do this.”_

_“please, i-i’m sorry, i can save you… i can help you! just stay with me, please, i can’t lose you!”_

yuri looks at yena of present, but all she can see are three lives of love and sorrow. her eyes widen, vision clouding in tears.

_i can’t do this._

“i— did i go too far?” yena asks, panic evident in her voice. she holds her palm to yuri’s out, cupping her cheek gently and using the pad of the thumb to wipe the tears from yuri’s face.

“let me out,” yuri whispers, pushing yena’s hand away.

“i-i will, i… i’m sorry.”

yena fumbles with the something in her pocket, unlocking the door clumsily and pulling it open for yuri, who shoots yena one final glare as she hurries out. she’s back in the living room, amongst the thrum of party music, when yena grabs her hand.

“look, yuri, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to—”

“just don’t talk to me, okay?” yuri snaps, yanking her arm back. “don’t waste your time on me, yena. there’s way better people for you out there.”

“not to me!” yena cries. “y-you’re the only one for me, yuri, and i don’t care how cheesy that sounds because it… it’s the _truth!_ ”

yuri stares blankly back at yena, desperately holding back tears.

“i… i’m sorry,” she finally mumbles, turning away.

she can hear the sound of yena breaking down behind her.

-

it’s late enough in the winter that the trees are stripped bare of their leaves. the skinny, brittle branches that remain tremble in the wind, looking like they might snap at any moment. winter frost howls against yuri’s skin, the bone-chilling cold settling into her skin wherever it lies exposed.

yuri nuzzles deeper into her scarf, digging her fists deeper into the pocket of her coat. her face is drying up in the wind; skin is almost certainly going to be peeling tomorrow morning. the winter this year is harsher than any she’s experienced before.

it’s funny, yuri thinks. it matches her state of mind.

she walks along the banks of the river, head bowed as she watches her feet step forward again and again and again.

the wind slows for a moment, prompting yuri to look up. the section of riverwalk here doesn’t have a safety barrier, leaving a section of pavement where people could sit and admire the widest part of the river.

yuri thinks of thorns in her lungs and petals in her throat, of tour boats in distant sunsets, of afternoon moons and autumn colours. her head on yena’s shoulder as they talk about moons and nothings.

autumn and its colours are gone now. it left nothing but winter frost.

yuri walks over to the edge of the riverwalk, bones creaking as she lowers herself and sits down, legs dangling over the edge. the wind is gentler now, breezing onto her face, and yuri lowers her scarf a little, watching her breath come out as mist.

_i don’t want to die._

_i have my whole life ahead of me._

_i don’t want to die again._

yuri feels her eyes go warm and blurry, sniffing a little as the first wave of tears washes over her. she lets them fall onto her scarf, staring into the distance blankly.

_i don’t want to die._

_i can’t put you through that again._

yuri doesn’t budge when she hears someone sitting next to her, an arm’s length away as if afraid to get closer. the newcomer is holding two coffee cups semi-awkwardly, left arm hovering as if unsure whether or not to offer it to yuri. she watches their internal struggle amusedly for a while, a tiny smile creeping onto her face.

they finally make up their mind, clearing their throat to speak.

“i… i got you hot chocolate…” yena mumbles sheepishly, avoiding yuri’s gaze. she extends one of the cups to yuri, who accepts it with a quiet ‘thanks’.

“listen, yena, if you’re here to apologise, don’t. you didn’t do anything wrong,” yuri says, staring into the milky depths of her drink

“i made you uncomfortable, though! that deserves an apology!” yena cries. yuri shakes her head sadly.

“it was my fault. i was really mean back there, and you were just confused. i’m the one who should be apologising.”

yena remains silent, taking a drink from her cup and staring out onto the horizon. it’s nearly pitch black by now, which is unsurprising considering it’s nearly midnight in the middle of winter. the faint glow of the moon is their only source of light, reflection rippling on the river.

yuri has to resist the urge to rest her head on yena’s shoulder.

“yuri?” yena whispers, inching ever-so-slightly closer, “why are you avoiding me? do you really hate me?”

a forlorn smile briefly crosses yuri’s face, disappearing before yena can catch it. she inhales deeply, taking in the fresh winter air.

“it’s… it isn’t your fault, yena. i’m just going through a lot right now.”

“whatever it is, yuri, please just know that you aren’t alone. i’m here for you, even if… even if it’s not in a romantic way. if all you need right now is a platonic shoulder to cry on, then i can be that shoulder for you, yuri.”

yuri avoids looking at yena’s face, but she can clearly picture how it must look – the genuine, earnest smile, and deep brown eyes that she could fall into for ages.

she can’t bring herself to look. she’s scared to start falling again.

so instead, she finds herself gazing into the moon yet again.

“hey, yena?” she calls, eyes going glossy again. “do you… do you believe in reincarnation?”

yena follows yuri’s eyes to the skies. “yes and no.”

“what d’you mean?”

“sometimes… sometimes, i get the strangest dreams, like recollections from a past life. i get them in little flashes, and they always fade away by the time i wake up. it makes me think that it’s entirely possible.”

yena chuckles, breath turning to mist. her eyes fall to her legs, dangling limply over the edge of the riverwalk.

“but at the same time, everything i see… it _hurts,_ yuri. i don’t know why, but every time i wake up, i feel so broken… the flashes i see aren’t happy memories, yuri, and i… i don’t want to live in a reality where i had to go through all that pain.”

yuri smiles sadly, unconsciously crushing the now-empty styrofoam cup in her hands.

_i don’t want to put you through that again._

“someone… someone i cared for very much told me something once,” yuri says, looking at yena for the first time since she got there, surprised at how red yena’s eyes and nose are. yuri wipes the tears from the corners of her eyes, sniffing and looking to the skies.

“she liked the moon,” yuri smiles fondly, holding back a third wave of tears. “she told me it was one of the few things that could drown out the beauty of starlight. she told me the moon was her reassurance that everything would work out, and she told me the moon has been there since the very beginning, watching over us like a guardian angel.”

“but most of all, she told me the moon reminded her of a part of herself she didn’t know she had. she realised she was missing something, a piece of herself lost to time.”

“she sounds like a romantic,” yena chuckles.

“she was,” yuri says, the sad smile never leaving her face. beside her, yena’s face morphs into shocked understanding. “and what she said to me… maybe that piece of us that’s missing is the memory of our past lives.”

_how ironic,_ she almost says, _that you’re the one who told me that._

yena nods, eyes bright in the moonlight as she gazes up at the moon wistfully, her mouth slightly open in an ‘o’. it’s adorable, and yuri wishes they can stay like this forever, no stupid cosmic interference keeping them apart.

the wind picks up again, whistling in her ears. the river water ripples fiercely now, distorting the reflection of the moon.

the moment is over.

“thank you for this,” yuri says, gesturing to the crushed cup in her hands. “i have to go now, yena.”

“we’ll talk again, right?” yena says, unable to stop the hope in her voice. “you’ll give me another chance?”

yuri pauses.

“yeah,” she finally says, “yeah, we will.”

-

(it’s a lie.)

(it’s all a lie.)

(she drops out of seoul university after that, desperate to stay away from yena for both their stakes. yuri moves back to busan, where there’s no choi yena to make her life difficult.)

(she doesn’t even say goodbye.)

-

when yuri goes back to seoul, it’s to visit minju, who was rather unfairly left without an explanation when she packed up and left in the middle of the night.

“can’t believe you didn’t even say bye to your best friend,” minju huffs when they meet again, though she can’t stop the grin that’s plastered on her face.

“i told you, it was a family emergency. i couldn’t stop to say goodbye,” yuri says, huddling into her coat. the worst bit of winter has passed, but a late-january chill still hangs in the air around them.

“riiiiight,” minju sighs in exasperation, rolling her eyes, “that’s totally what happened.”

yuri groans. “stop interrogating me, please. it’s my first time back here in two months, can we _please_ so something a little more fun?”

minju, thankfully, complies, and instead of subjecting yuri to an interrogation on why she really left, she decided to drag yuri around town to watch her window shop for clothes.

so, basically the same level of boring.

“how many clothes do you _need_?” she whines.

“as many as i do. now hush, yuri, and tell me if this looks good.”

yuri groans. “your best friend is finally back in town, and you decide to bore her to death with clothes?”

minju nods brightly, not moving her eyes from the mirror.

deeming her a lost cause, yuri creeps out of the boutique, stepping back into the cold. the street they’re on is familiar – yuri swears she’s seen some of the shops before, on her way out of campus.

“hold on… this street is right next to seoul university!” yuri cries.

“yep!” minju replies, emerging from the shop. yuri jumps at the noise, but after realising it’s just minju she throws her a playful glare.

“i didn’t realise we were this close to campus,” yuri mumbles, looking away.

“what, you afraid you’ll see a certain someone? gonna run away again?” minju teases, her voice bordering on mockery.

“shut up.”

“what, you getting shy? i still don’t know why you kept avoiding her.”

“i said shut up!”

“c’mon, at least—”

“no, kim minju, like actually shut up! do you see that!”

yuri points at the campus entrance, where there’s a large crowd of people congregating around flashing red and blue lights. minju gasps at the sight, reaching for her phone.

“i’ll ask chaewon what’s going on,” she says, already dialing a number. yuri nods absent-mindedly, shuffling towards the crowd.

“’m gonna have a look,” she mumbles, but she’s sure minju can’t hear her. yuri walks toward the area, slowly at first, but breaking into a half-run as dread seeps into her.

she reaches the crowd, huddling in a circle around the ambulance. whispers fly in the wind, little details of the situation whistling past yuri’s ears. the growing dread in her tugs hard now, her heart speeding up as she shoves her way to the front of the crowd without so much as an apology.

she can hear what the people are saying. she hopes to god it’s just some kind of misunderstanding, that they’re wrong and that the person being loaded into the ambulance isn’t who she thinks it is.

she’s dead wrong.

yena lies on the stretcher, golden hair splayed out about her like a halo as the paramedics hover over her body. her eyes are closed, at peace, and there’s the faintest traces of a smile painted on her features. her shirt is stained red in places, the crimson blooming across fabric and reddening the stretcher below her, too.

_no no no no no no no._

yuri sees the deep red slashes on yena’s wrist, the skin around them going paler and paler as blood continues to flow out in spurts.

_no, this can’t be happening._

it’s a blur. her heart stops, blood freezing in her veins. she feels herself collapse onto her knees, crawling closer to the body on the stretcher. someone’s screaming at her to get back, but she can’t – yena’s right there, dying or dead already, she doesn’t know, flesh growing colder by the second in the winter winds.

the shock gives way to grief. it’s not supposed to happen like this.

“yena, yena no,” yuri gasps, throat tightening. she’s ducking under the arms of the paramedics, reaching for yena’s frail, bloodied hand. everything else fades into the background – the whispers of the crowd around them, the paramedics’ insistence she gets back – none of it matters anymore.

the walls close in around her. her vision goes fuzzy.

“yena, no… yena, you’re supposed to live,” she wails. there are people grabbing her by the arm now, trying to drag her out of the crowd.

“get off me!” yuri screams, kicking and flailing around like a child. she can’t leave. this can’t be happening. yena isn’t supposed to die.

“yena, wake up!” she cries, elbowing one of them in the chest. they let go of her, startled, and she collapses back next to yena’s body.

“yena, you have to get up, please… you’re not supposed to go… it was all supposed to work out… we’d both be safe… yena, yena you can’t go,” yuri rasps. the tears free-fall from her eyes, landing onto yena’s face.

yena lies still.

“yena, _please,_ don’t leave me… please…”

“yuri,” a voice calls into her ear, hand on her shoulder. it’s soft and it’s sweet and it calms her down but it isn’t _yena_.

“yuri, please move aside,” minju says again. her voice breaks as she speaks, seeing yena’s lifeless body and her best friend crying over it.

“minju,” yuri sobs, looking up. her eyes are red, nose runny with snot. “minju… she… this wasn’t supposed to happen. it wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

“i know,” minju says, letting the tears fall from her eyes, “i know, yuri. but you need to move aside, okay? the paramedics need to do their job.”

“minju, she’s d-d-dead. she’s not supposed to die… it can’t happen this way.”

“i know,” minju lowers herself to yuri’s level now, stroking her back.

“she… she was supposed to love me until the moon went dark and the stars went out… minju, sh-she can’t love me if she’s dead… it isn’t supposed to happen this way.”

“yuri, _please,_ ” minju begs. she holds back sobs, but they threaten to burst out on seeing the state of her best friend. “yuri, you need to move aside, okay? i’ll take you back to my place, and you can let it all out there, alright? but you need to get out of the way.”

yuri doesn’t reply.

she can’t.

she goes limp, body heaving and wracking with sobs next to the stretcher. the crowd has dispersed by now, and she feels minju hoist her to her feet, telling her it’s all going to be okay.

it isn’t.

yena is gone. sweet, bright yena. yena, who was supposed to live free and happy without yuri ruining her life. yena, who was supposed to be there to love her until the moon went dark and the stars went out.

choi yena is gone.

jo yuri lets the tears fall harder than they have before.

-

yuri doesn’t know how she manages to slip away from minju, but she does.

she does it at night, leaving under cover of darkness. she can faintly hear minju sniffling from her room, the clinking of glass bottles against tile resounding every now and then. yena had been her friend, too, and yuri _knows_ minju’s hurting too. she’s only putting up a tough front for yuri’s sake, and that makes her feel terrible.

so, she leaves, and the note on the kitchen counter is the only evidence she was ever there.

yuri doesn’t know, either, how she ends up back by the river, but she does.

she sees it from a different angle, now. there’s no point fooling drivers who can’t stare out the window with stunning views of a spotless river, so the view from the highway bridge is an ugly, crumbling mess of dirty back entrances and graffiti on alleyways.

yuri sees the way the river runs narrow here. she can barely see the moon, dim and tucked behind clouds.she can see, now, the tiny bit of brown in the clear blue of the water; the little bits of plastic and metal that litter the surface; the tiny imperfections of the river she’d never gotten to see before.

it’s all a lie. it always was.

it was a lie when she’d told herself she wouldn’t put yena through the pain of losing her again. it was a lie when she told yena she’d give her a chance. it was a lie when she told yena she didn’t feel the same way.

but it’s too late now. the lies are forever now.

taking a deep breath, yuri hoists herself over the railing, sitting precariously on the barrier.

the moon hangs high in the sky, dimmer than yuri remembers.

the moon lied. it wasn’t all going to be okay.

yuri smiles.

when she jumps, she thinks of yena.

* * *

05 _i saw you in four seasons, and loved you in each._

“the moon is a loyal companion.  
it never leaves. it’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. every day it’s a different version of itself. sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. the moon understands what it means to be human.  
uncertain. alone. cratered by imperfections.”

-

“ _get up._ ”

“ _hey, you need to wake up now._ ”

“ _please open your eyes._ ”

“ _please._ ”

“joyuuuuul…”

yuri cracks open her eyelids.

“joyul, it’s late and we need to get up.”

the sight of her alarm clock on the bedside table greets her. warm arms encircle her waist, someone nuzzling into her neck from behind.

“yul, i know you’re awake,” the voice giggles into her ear.

“caught me,” yuri smiles, wiggling backwards into her girlfriend’s embrace. she cranes her neck as far back as she can, searching for the face behind the cuddle.

she finds it. yena grins back at her, bleary-eyed with sleep, bangs ruffled messily so that hair sticks out in every direction.

“well then, time to get up. it’s nearly noon and we have a lot to do today,” yena says, pecking yuri on the cheek.

“and by that you mean we have the rest of the harry potter movies to binge?” yuri replies, rolling over in bed to face yena. she props her head up with one hand, staring deep into yena’s eyes.

it’s always so easy to get lost in them.

“you know me so well,” yena laughs. she reaches up to yuri’s face, cupping her cheek where a stray lock of hair has fallen to obscure her features, and ever-so-gently tucks it behind yuri’s ear.

“have i ever mentioned how much i love you?”

“every second of every day, yena.”

“well, i hope you aren’t sick of it, because i’m gonna do it again.”

yena pulls yuri back onto the pillows, scooting closer to her until they’re inches apart, their breaths on each other’s skin. the sensation sends tingles down yuri’s spine; hairs standing on the back of her neck.

“i love you, jo yuri, so much more than you could ever imagine. i’ve loved you for years and years through the seasons and the deaths, and i’ve never stopped loving you. i never will stop loving you, yuri, cosmic interference be damned.”

yuri opts not to reply, instead leaning in to close the remaining gap between them. she presses her lips to yena’s, softly and gently like she’s afraid the moment will be over at any second.

it doesn’t.

yena holds yuri closer, hands caressing her back as she leans deeper into the kiss.

it’s all over now.

they’ve made it to the end, through it all.

they have the rest of their lives and more to love each other now.

yena smiles.

“jo yuri, i’ll love you until the day the moon goes dark and the stars go out.”

this time, for real.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah originally the fic was gonna be around 2k but it escalated really quickly.
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed that! leave a kudos/comment if you did because it really means so much to me!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ssonghayoungs?s=20)


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